|Image courtesy of graphicsfairy.blogspot.com|
This might not be your typical Mother's day story,
When my husband and I were married, we agreed we wanted to have children right away. Things didn't really go the way we expected and 4 years after we were married we were still trying. My emotions were dangling by a thread. I was a stressed and baby crazed woman. It consumed all my thoughts, I had to hide my true self from so many people. Friends who were having babies, family members having babies. I would paint a smile on my face, because I was supposed to be happy for them. Inside I was raging. I hated every young mother I would see. I was furious every time I heard the words unplanned pregnancy or guess what so and so is pregnant. Nothing would make me angrier then hearing a girl tell me she got pregnant, but she wasn't going to let the baby inconvenience her life. Inconvenience? A BABY? I would smile and nod my head, and tell them babies are a gift they were being blessed with. Then, I would go home and cry my eyes out. What was wrong with me? Was I not meant to have a baby? Why did it seem so effortless for other women?
My poor husband had to ride this roller coaster with me. I can't begin to count how many people during this time asked us when we were going to start a family or asked me why we didn't have any kids. Some would even make comments that I must not want kids do to such and such or whatever.
Quietly we pressed on holding onto hope. That someday I would be a mom, and my husband would be a dad. I visited the doctor who prescribed some fertility medications, with no luck. I told my husband I wasn't going to keep trying, I needed a break. (As if I would ever stop thinking about having a baby)
I wrestled with the darkness of self-pity and depression. I'm a Christian woman, but I was furious with God. How could He do this to me? I was trying to live my life right, and for what? To see other women being blessed with babies, while my arms were empty?
I had been going to a bible study with my grandmother, and I could fake happy(I was once a drama team leader) I knew how to talk the talk! While at the bible study with my grandmother a strange topic was brought up. Being angry with God. I listened, and nodded my head as someone in the group started talking about coming to terms with their anger towards God. I was shocked. Did other people actually go through this same darkness I was feeling, and hiding away? I was not alone. The person talking in our group was telling how they came to grips with becoming blind, she is a young woman who is losing her sight with time. She had been in the same dark place, but had got through it. She told how the pain was so deep that she had to hide it from even those close to her(just like me) She told how anger kept her from praying to God, because He hadn't given her the one thing she desired most, and it just wasn't fair. Finally she realized that her anger towards God was taking away her joy and peace. She told how she was broken beyond repair, and cried out to God with a simple prayer. You are enough. She prayed, "Even if you never choose to heal me, You have given me more than enough." It was a simple prayer of gratitude. God gave His life for me, and if He never did another thing for me, that is enough. So, I went home after bible study. I told no one of how deep that study cut straight into the core of my being. I was not living a thankful life. I was slapping God in the face saying, His sacrifice meant nothing. I cried, not tears of self-pity, but tears of repentance. Father forgive me, I will let go of my dreams, and grab on to whatever You have for me. If I never have a baby, I will still serve You. It broke my heart to say those words, but I meant them. I felt the huge burden of inner darkness being lifted. Light began to shine on my soul,and the darkness was gone and I felt relieved to let it go. Did I still want a baby? OH YES, I still struggled with being depressed, but I found peace knowing God had my best interest at heart. I don't always understand it, but God has a plan.
It was right around three months after we stopped trying. My husband kept telling me he thought I was pregnant, which only made me upset, since he knew how painful the subject was to me. When the day came, I didn't believe it. My husband was sure I was, and went out and bought the test. I argued with him about using the test, since I had taken them so many times before. The negative results and crying afterwards would almost kill me. Finally he convinced me just to do it. What did it matter? If I was going to be depressed either way, so I humored him.
He left the room. I "did my thing" and looked at the test. Once, twice, three times, pulled out the directions to make sure, and looked again. I SCREAMED!!! My husband came running. I was waving the test around in the air screaming, "it's positive!" We were going to have a baby. My husband's exact words were, " Gee Becky, you scared me half to death, I thought you had seen a spider!" Then he walked away. I asked, "where are you going?", " did you hear what I said?" He just leaned back in, and said," yeah I told you, you were!" (He later admitted he was in shock.) :-D
I hope that if you are going through the same struggles, you understand that others have been there. Reach out to connect with other women who can relate. Hold onto hope.
If you can't relate to this story, please understand not every childless couple wants to be. If a couple doesn't have children, DON'T ASK THEM WHY, and please don't ask when they are planning to!
First of all, it's none of your business, and second you might be breaking a hopeful heart.
The picture above is of the first time I held our son in my arms. "The Booper"
One of the happiest days of my life.
Happy Mother's Day, to every Mommy, and to every Woman longing to be. ~Beck